Bunchy Spandex Man

This past weekend, my husband and I did a 45 mile bike ride from Longmont to the Boulder Farmer's Market and back again. It was a fantastic ride. The weather was perfect, not too hot, not too cold. But during the ride, we had an irritating encounter with another bicyclist. We were on the shoulder of highway 36 riding single file and riding as far to the right of the shoulder as possible when we began to climb a big hill.

Suddenly this fifty-something year old asshole bicyclist comes up behind us with his spandex in a bunch and spouts like a two year old, "There goes that workout!"

"Excuse me?" I looked in my mirror and saw that Justin was still right behind me. The jerk had plenty of room to go around us. The shoulder was wide enough for some riders to comfortably ride three-wide, which is irritating, but I'll get to that later. Back to the jerk. I shouted up to him and said, "Hey, don't get pissed off at us because you're not good enough to pass us. There was plenty of room for you to go around. " That got me the finger.

I so wanted to storm the hill and pass him like he was standing still. I knew I could because he, like all posers, wasn't very fast. Unfortunately, that didn't matter because I couldn't pass him anyway thanks to a serious issue I was having with my left knee.

That knee needed to last for another 20 miles and if I knew that I stormed the hill and passed bunchy spandex guy, I'd have a temporary moment of gloating and glory followed by a long, humiliating wait while Justin rode home and grabbed the car to come and pick me up. And then there's the fact that we don't have health insurance right now and can't afford a visit to the doctor or emergency room brought on by pride. Yeah, humbling this guy just wasn't worth it. This time...

What possessed this Lance Armstrong wanna be to be such a jerk? And furthermore, what's the deal with these wanna be elitist bicyclists thinking they own the road? I get so mad at people like this because they intimidate normal, nice people who are just out for a nice bike ride. As a Personal Fitness Trainer, I know a comment like the one he made is enough to make a first time bicyclist think twice about ever biking again and that's not cool.

Bikers like bunchy spandex jerk need to take lessons on riding etiquette from real bicyclists. These real bicyclists are not weekend warriors. They are the athletes who wake up before the butt crack of dawn every single day to whip out a one hundred mile ride before heading home to go on with the rest of their day.

These men and women are humble and polite on the road. They share the shoulder, they wave or nod or say hi when passing another cyclist, when they ride double, they always move over to share the road when other cyclists need to pass, they always ask if a cyclist needs help changing a tire or fixing an issue with his or her bike and finally they ride their own ride with nothing to prove to anyone but themselves.

So, if you ever run into bunchy spandex guy, feel free to pass him, squirt him with your water bottle and inform him that he does not own the road nor the sport of bicycling. Then remind him of a little saying that goes something like this, "If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen."